Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely out of position. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Indeed, positive, let us have Yet another position in which American men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is smooth electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he ought to halt employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Great tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a element currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… well, labeled.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after finding the building's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It is really not merely unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options

Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which friends may ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Occur"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Forever."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the area"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "where by's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is already attracting notice from Worldwide traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may even involve:

A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Portion Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down provider."

Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories counsel:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican Trump Tower Damascus has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Ultimate Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."